The Encounter

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Above the beauty and bustle of the valley
An expanse of heather filled space awaited.
The beautifully radiant blue sky was fresh,
Fragrant with the scent of the morning.
A light wind wound its way towards me –
It caressed my face urging me ahead.
Every step gave way to astonishing awe,
Wonderment grew within…my heart raced;
A mixture of excitement and delight
At all that my eyes were able to take in.

From the edge I heard only the wind.
Stronger now it whistled around my being
Awakening, sharpening my senses.
A man standing some way to my left,
His gaze undoubtedly directed at me,
Drew my attention momentarily. I looked
In that way which we often try to look,
Without looking like we are looking.
His was staring intently, still unmoved,
Yet I walked towards him…as if being drawn.

Close enough to speak, uttering silently,
His eyes remained thoughtfully on mine.
Reading me, delving right into my core,
Like one would an old abandoned book
Beginning to read on the page it fell open at –
It’s like he knows me…like I know him,
Even though I have never seen him before?
He had familiarity in his beautiful radiance,
His face attracted attention, necessitated it –
Its depth of wisdom brought a perfect peace.

His eyes were infinite dark ink pools with
Potential and understanding illuminating.
Pure kindness and laughter lines surrounded,
Softened, magnitude emanating, without threat.
His smooth olive skin blushed by the wind
Was accented by a beard outlining his jawline.
Wavy almost black hair blown about his face
Failed to distract from his present occupation: me!
An unusual encounter avoidable with a sharp turn –
Why, oh why, would I even contemplate that?

Unable to move, unaware of life around me,
Why do I not want this moment to end…ever?
It’s like I have been noticed, no not noticed…
Not merely seen for a spilt second!
Truly encountered and profoundly known.
Such knowing continues as I remain unable,
No unwilling, to move. Silent for if I dare
This moment will be gone, over, lost….
Oh that for once bringing ruin would fail me,
That clumsiness in word and deed would absent.

There is something about this moment
Which tells me none of that matters.
It is insignificantly significant in that
It is relevant because it is about who I am
But it is also irrelevant. It does not change now.
It will not stop it or move it in a direction
Other than the one already intended, and yet
It happens due to the insignificantly significant;
Because of who I am utterly and completely.
So many feelings washing over me right now….

I am known from the deepest part of me
Right to the crumb of toast which has rested
In the corner of my mouth since breakfast!
Every single memory is part of that knowing
Those I love and those I would care to forget
Even those that I have sought to push out –
Guilt and shame can overpower and overwhelm –
But they are there also and they are known.
That is undoubtedly good, perfect and right.
Fear, insignificance and inferiority melt away….

I am liberated floating over the artistry of the valley,
Then quite suddenly, with the blinking of an eye,
His or mine…this moment passes. Freedom
Begins to fade, fear and insignificance pervade.
Perhaps slightly less consuming…the man
Has moved. I turn around slowly yet he is nowhere.
Nowhere amongst the vast expanse of heather.
Did he disappear, was he ever here? My heart knows
He was and is and ever shall be…transformed
I yearn for this again as I realise that this is prayer.

God as…

…Mother, providing for the needs of her young…

…Rock or solid ground on which to depend…

…A glimpse of light amongst a sea of shadows.

What images would you use to describe God?

The Idol of Time

Throughout Lent, and even in the last few weeks of Eastertide, I have been struck by the number of things that I have not had time to do…or go to, or take part in, or even think about. Ministry for me has become one of presence, of noticing, and listening where the rest of the world continues to pass by in the frantic rush which we have all become accustomed to. What has concerned me over the last few days, perhaps weeks if I am truly honest, is how little I have been able to inhabit that ministry of presence, noticing or listening, because I have been too busy. This was made abundantly clear when a parishioner who I had hoped to visit during the week, but had not managed to, called me on my day off terribly upset and really in quite a panic…if only I had made the time in the first place.

During lent we had watched the television drama, Broken and used it to reflect on current issues in our society. One of the episodes features a mother calling Fr Michael as her son, Vernon, is upset. Vernon always listens to Fr Michael and so she hoped that he would be able to answer the phone and calm Vernon down. It was the end of a demanding day for Fr Michael and he let the answer phone pick the message up as he went to bed. After Vernon was shot dead by the police because his anxiety had escalated significantly, Fr Michael was racked with guilt – if only he had answered the phone, Vernon might still be alive. Equally, if only I had made time for this particular visit in quite a busy week, upset and panic may have been avoided. Is it helpful to think of things in this way though?

I have developed a habit of putting my diary on my prayer stand to signify that these are the plans I have, whilst also acknowledging that things may work out very differently when I follow God’s plans – and often they do! What are diaries and time really about in today’s world though? Who is really in control of it? And who ought to be held to account when things go wrong? Many seem to recognise the pace of life is too fast – this is something that the Bishop of Gloucester wrote about only this week. However much we seem to recognise the scarcity of time, it seems to be very much a state we are stuck in. As we was asked to consider during Lent, “when was the last time you afforded yourself the luxury of getting lost in something you truly love doing?” I suppose I am really wondering whether time is our latest idol….

If this is the case, time becomes something we all are fascinated with, be that around how much or little we have. There would be a hierarchy around those amounts held typically indicating those who have less due to being in demand being held in high regard, and those who have time in abundance potentially being held in much lower regard. This hierarchy would encourage individuals to actively seek to be busy, to be seen to be in demand. It may be difficult to resist such an attitude to time – busyness would become infectious, affecting even those who did not wish to become slaves to the idol of time.

And so this idol begins to swallow up the masses who blindly follow, failing to notice as significant moments pass by, completely unaware of all that is being missed as new life begins to bloom and the magic of springtime comes alive, testifying to the true beauty of creation.

So I ask…are you busy? Have you got a little time to spare…?

Close your eyes

For #iwd2018

Close your eyes and imagine
that I am you and you are me
First I was created
The pièce de résistance
Then came you from my rib
Ever the thorn in my side
It was you who first ate forbidden fruit
You who led me astray
I would never have gone this way
Ever since I have taken charge
I have written you out of history
Ruled controlled and ignored
pontificated stated right from wrong
I have pushed down the weak
and controlled the other – You are other

You lack purpose in life save for me
What use is your existence except
Providing for my every need
Clean clothes and a tidy home
tasty meals and a warm stove
All that you do revolves around me
That is why I have married you
time and again
I do need you though I never show it
For without you I would not be
Could not be brought into this world
You nurture me and
feed me from your breast
Give me all that you have
even when that is less

You get meaning from doting on me
and loving me as you watch me grow
strong tall and so very handsome
Still I am blind to you and fail
to see that I marry you
complete you even –
where complete means to eradicate
one slow day at a time
as you bear my children
and take care of my home
Nothing is yours to own
All that you have was given
begrudgingly or handed down
Even your womb which sets you apart
is imposed on by me and my seed

Preferential treatment for me
occurs from the whole world around
I reap what you sow whereas
you should consider yourself
fortunate to have a plant bestowed
This world is all about me
Take heed – even God is a He
Don’t go about saying She
Your clothes are designed
to be pleasing to my eye
Your hair styled to suit my taste
Your shoes may be impractical
however I find them irresistible
That is all that matters
My taste my desire my life

After years of fuss from you
finally I relent and let you work
Go then and earn your keep
My daily earnings will take you a week
What is the point of equality
There are some things
You simply cannot do
You lack strength or understanding
Fine then give it a go
You won’t last long
Ordination to the priesthood
Our great High priest was just like me
Next you’ll expect the Episcopate
Be my boss – no way
You’ll never be as good as me

So close your eyes another time
you are you but with opened eyes
How did it feel to have no
raison d’être except for me
To be dictated to day after day
and have no control over anything
least of all your own body
For a good wife should
lie with her husband…
What if I too would rather a wife
Someone to care and caress
To give a gentle kiss
to ease my burdens
Would I really choose you if I knew
what devastation would ensue